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Ralph Kingston
Ralph is a senior resident of Shady Pines. He is most known for his status as County Clerk of the Shady Pines government. Summary Ralph Kingston is the unfortunate Capricorn child of Egbert J. Miller and Gladys P. Miller. Despite this he has managed to climb the ranks of the Shady Pines government and attain the rank of County Clerk, as well as Professor of the I.T. department. One important controversy surrounding Ralph is the question of whether or not he is actually real, a conflicting argument with no proof for either side. History DISCLAIMER: Below are events that may or may not have happened, as no one is entirely sure if Ralph is actually real. In 1901, Ralph Waldo Kingston, born Ralph Müller, was born as the secret Reptillian child of Egbert J. Miller and Gladys P. Miller on vacation in the village of Fucking, Austria. However, even before conception, Ralph took the human form for which he is most recognized. Ever since his birth, Ralph has been haunted by the mysterious and demonic uncle of William Cornsley, who lives under Ralph's bed. Ralph himself is a Capricorn. Ralph had a rather large family with many siblings. Early on, Ralph was assigned as Leon's Caretaker by his father and taught how to hack by his mother, although both of his parents have always said Ralph can go to Hell. Sometime during the production of the Star Wars films, Ralph was supported by Jedi Master Yoda, who taugt him how to use the "Force" and made Ralph his apprentice. Much to Ralph's concern, Yoda became addicted to ketamine, which led to Ralph joining the Dark Side. Around this time, Ralph also learned that Leon had sorceress-like powers and was a powerful being who created the Sith. Leon appointed Ralph to become a Sith Lord with him, warning that there could only be two Sith at a time. During the 1980s, Ralph became adopting a variety of animals including pigs whom he joyfuly castrated himself and a goat named Scampers. To raise enough money to support himself and his pets, Ralph formed the not-so-legal Ralph Kingston Foundation. This illegally earned Ralph lots of money and helped him become a Billionaire. With this money, Ralph purchased Bojangles and tried to buy out KFC as well, but failed, leading to Ralph's famous preference of Bojangles. In 2019, Ralph became very important and busy. He married his ex-wife Donald and, with his father's help, Ralph was elected County Clerk of Shady Pines and even an ordained minister. However, things did not start smoothly in the County Clerk's Office. Despite being trusted with the OPF Fan Fiction and Mesusiah Scripts, Ralph and Leon's Meth Lab caused a great fire. Due to this incident, Ralph remarried his second wife, Gwen. They had 5 children who are millenial hags. Ralph kept custody after their divorce. Ralph took part in the 2019 Gang War by creating the Mongols gang with Leon, severely beating up seniors in Death Battles. After one such battle, Ralph even owned Ed's soul! Also in 2019, Ralph worked on his Dark Side Powers, even joining the Lodge of Sorceressants as a Book Keeper. As a member of the Lodge of Sorceressants, Ralph was once punished by being turned into a frog. After Leon's unfortunate death, Ralph appointed himself an apprentice, Benny, and began to reveal the truth of Leon's powers as both the First Sorceress and a Sith Lord, although the other seniors would not listen. In the technology dependent 2000s, Ralph increased his Hacking skills dramatically, unleashing his H4CK3R M0D3 (Where Ralph talks 71K3 TH15) and downloading his and Leon's conciousness onto the internet forever. He can now despawn when you look away to save RAM. With these abilities, Ralph became a Professor of the I.T. Department and founded the Hackers Around the Globe Society for others like him. With his and Leon's online consciousness, he and Leon often have sex in the Shady Pines Server Room, creating Spear Goblins. Sadly, many clans who are clashing keep walking in on Ralph and Leon doing the Hanky Panky. Shortly after Leon's unfortunate death, Ralph created the A.I. assistant, LUMONG, who took many calls for Ralph when Ralph was unavailable. Interestingly enough, after a large disappearance from Shady Pines at the end of 2019, Ralph returned, and, upon hearing of Edith's Intestinal Colony, challenged her to a death battle that resulted in Ralph becoming Supreme Chancellor of said colony. Just after becoming Supreme Chancellor of Edith's Intestinal Colony, Ralph took another shot in the political landscape of the 2020 presidential election, albeit only as a campaign manager for Edith-Benny 2020. With this position, Ralph took to creating high-end propaganda for the campaign and spreading his political beliefs all over Shady Pines. Around this time, Egbert tried to attack the campaign Ralph was managing by threatening to expose Ralph through "disturbing videos" that threatened the Edith-Benny 2020 campaign's legitimacy. As a result, Ralph turned to Egbert's election team to make sure he was not exposed to all of Shady Pines. This worked out well, as Big Greg 2020 won the election. Due to the kindness of Egbert's heart, Ralph was reelected as County Clerk. After his reelection as County Clerk, Ralph commissioned the creation of a New Clone Army for Shady Pines. These clones took the appearance of President Egbert and, with the exception of one given to Fay, lived the rest if their years in Ralph's ears. Here, they had the most important element, that of surprise. Unbeknownst to Egbert, however, the clones were programmed to implement Order 69, the attempted assassination of all of Egbert's true allies. As of 3:17 PM (EST) on January 3, 2020, Ralph was the last person to have spoken in the Old Country Buffet. This led to Shrimp giving Ralph the powers of Piss Lawyer. To start the New Year's off right for 2020, Ralph remarried to Karen, whom he had an instant connection with. Ralph even nuked God to prevent Karen from dying, a true testament to this connection he had with his new wife. On that same day, Ralph avenged Fay after she was stabbed by Edith and was bestowed the title of Future World Dictator, being warned to use it wisely. Quotes "OK, DRINK SOME PRUNE JUICE. PRUNE JUICE CAN BE OBTAINED FROM THE WILD GLADYS OF SHADY PINES, AS SHE IS ALREADY A PRUNE. WAIT FOR HER TO URINATE. WHEN SHE DOES, PRUNE JUICE WILL COME IN PLACE OF URINE." "I'LL TAKE THE FAMILY FEAST WITH MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY, BOTH BONELESS, A SIDE OF MACARONI AND CHEESE, WITH EXTRA BONES, AND A SIDE OF PINTO BEANS. AND DON'T FORGET MY GALLON OF SWEAT TEA AND MY 8 PIECE CHICKEN TENDERS, 2 CHICKEN BREASTS, AND 4 CHICKEN LEGS. I WOULD ALSO LIKE A SIDE OF FUCK OFF." "GLADYS POOPS BEANS, SHE PEES PRUNE JUICE. HOW COULD SHE GET THAT MIXED UP." "MY PENIS IS FLEXIBLE, IT WILL GO UP MY ASS IF I WANT IT TO" "YOU KNOW, IN A WAY, I THINK Xxpussyfucker420xX WILL ALWAYS BE WITH US. IF NOT PHYSICALLY, IN SPIRIT. FOR IT IS IN HIS SPIRIT I FUCK PUSSY AND SMOKE WEED. FOR HIS SAKE DO I CHERISH THE NUMBER 420. FOR HIS SAKE I CONTINUE LIVING. TO BRING Xxpussyfucker420xX BACK TO SHADY PINES HAS BECOME MY GOAL. THIS GOAL HAS CORRUPTED ME AND CONTROLS MY LIFE FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD." "MY GERMAN TEACHER TOLD ME ABOUT FUCKING" "THEY HAVE "FREE STUFF" THAT'S "HEALTHY FOOD" IN THE SCHOOLS THAT LOOK LIKE ITS GONE THROUGH EGBERT'S BROKEN BOWELS AT LEAST 10 TIMES ALREADY I HEAR. AND GUESS HOW THEY AFFORD IT--- TAXES! IT'S CRAZY. I WANT MY KIDS TO GROW UP HOW I DID, WITH JUNK FOOD 24/7 SO THEY END UP LIKE ME. I'M TIRED OF MILLENIALS AND DEMOCRAPS TAKING MY MONEY FOR "FOOD" YOU CAN GET OUT OF A DUMPSTER FOR FREE." "THE TRUTH IS THAT WHEN OBI WAN KENOBI SAID "IT'S OVER ANAKIN, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND." SEE THE TITLE IS REFERRING TO THIS SEEN, IN THAT SKYWALKER IS RISING, SO NOW KENOBI DOESN'T HAVE THE HIGH GROUND" "RELEASE YOU STDS, ONLY YOUR EYE HERPES CAN DEFEAT ME!" "I think the Earth is actually flat, but the Illuminati is hiding the truth with Round Earth propaganda paid for by the Freemasons who are hiding Reptillian Elites in Masonic Temples, including one in the location known as Area 51. The Reptillian Elites must be kept secret from the World because they are behind the JFK assasination, 9/11, the Holocaust, narwhals, and even faked moon landings to cover up a potential exposure. The Reptillian Elite, along with other mysterious things, are kept in Area 51 by the CIA, who used Reptillian Elite DNA to unleash AIDS. One of these Reptillian Elites was none other than Paul McCartney, which explains why the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band album was released with hints regarding the "death" of Paul McCartney. These secrets are all only trusted to the ones pulling the strings, the ones who created the Reptillian Elite and founded the Illuminati, the secret society of the Global Elite." "THE MISTER TWISTER DOUBLE TAIL FOUR INCH PUSSY STUFFER 1000!" "So I was at this zoo the other day, and it only had one animal. It was a shitzu" "MY GREATEST SEXUAL FANTASY IS LAYING ON MY BED NAKED, PEOPLE TOSSING A MILLION DOLLARS ON MY NAKED BODY, AND THEN ALL OF THE PEOPLE LEAVING ME THE FUCK ALONE" "TRUST ME, I'VE CHANGED THOSE ADULT DIAPERS ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT." "1... 2... HE'S POOPING ON YOU 3... 4... BETTER LOCK YOUR DOOR 5... 6... HE'S STABBING WITH STICKS 7... 8... BETTER NOT URINATE 9... 10... NEVER POOP AGAIN" "I'M FARTING NOW." "FREDDY KRUGER FUCKED DARTH VADER AND A DOG ATE THE RESULT, POOPED IT OUT, ATE IT AGAIN, PUKED IT UP, BURNED IT, AND WATCHED IT GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING. IMAGINE THAT TIMES TWO AND THE TWO DISGOSTING THINGS FUCKED BLOB FISHES AND THE BLOB FISH-DISGOSTING THING HYBRIDS THEN FUCKED AND HAD A BABY THAT FUCKED MY MOM, HAD MY BROTHER AND THEN THE RESULTING BROTHER OF MINE AND MY MOTHER FUCKED BECAUSE INCEST IS ALLOWED HERE IN ALABAMA." Trivia *Ralph is a master hacker, being able to hack mark zuckleberg himself. *Ralph has both a foot fetish and a corn fetish. *Ralph is an emote on The Discord *Ralph was the basis for Ralph Wiggum in The Simpsons *Ralph cleans his ears by licking the ear wax out. *Ralph is actually one of the Reptillian Elites, as revealed on January 4, 2020. . Category:Residents Category:Star Wars Episode 10: The Hag Strikes Back Category:County Clerk's Office Category:Mongols Gang